The Burden of Care: A Postfeminist Examination of Motherhood in “The Last Grownup”

Bianca Fairchild

Allegra Goodman’s “The Last Grownup” is a concise and striking depiction of modern life as a mother, ex-wife, and woman in the modern day. The story details the thoughts of a divorced woman, Debra, who struggles to manage her teen daughters’ need for stability and compassion. Meanwhile, her ex-husband, Richard, begins a new chapter of his life with his fiancé, all while Debra is trying to focus on her goals as a co-parent. While the audience follows Debra’s experiences in attempting to compromise, plan for, and process the changes coming up in her family’s lives, the reader gets an inside look into the intersection of individuality, choice, and emotional labor that challenges Debra’s worldview. “The Last Grownup”, explores the postfeminist tension between autonomy and obligation, illustrating how traditional caregiving roles persist in modern contexts, while simultaneously critiquing the unrealistic expectations of “having it all,” and revealing the complexities of empowerment in a world still shaped by societal and structural constraints.

Throughout the short story, Debra goes back and forth between the pressures of being a nurturing mother and her personal ambition. Often, she struggles to make up her mind about the complicated issues that arise when trying to become her own person, separate from her ex-husband and the unity they had, while maintaining a positive relationship with him to provide normalcy for her children. While she tries to find a path in the future for herself, wondering what will change in the meantime, she often goes back to wondering how things will turn out for Richard. “It was exhilarating to think of all the possibilities—how she might teach or advocate for immigrants—but when she thought of Richard she saw his future as domestic. He would remarry…. he was better than he had ever been. Eating healthy, losing weight. The girls said he’d stopped sneaking cigarettes,” (Goodman). Debra’s thought process regularly cycles between herself, her children, then her husband and how “perfect” his life is and will be without her. At one point, Debra even refers to Richard’s fiancé, Heather, as “smart and beautiful and sane”, and most importantly, adored by her children.

Debra’s idea of Richard’s “perfect” life is a common theme in “The Last Grownup”, where she ponders the implications of his decisions, her impact, and her fears of the changes to come. This cycle of anxiety is fueled by Debra’s feelings of pressure to be a perfect mother for her kids, which she fears Richard and Heather can provide without her. On the one hand, she worries about her personal success and future, but on the other, she stresses about being able to fulfill her role as a mother and caregiver. Not only is this fear manifested in her relationship with Richard and her children, but it also infiltrates her thoughts while discussing her divorce being finalized with her parents: “How could her parents know what to say? How could anybody? What clueless things would Debra tell her own daughters? They were in tenth and seventh grade, and, obviously, a million years from marrying, let alone divorcing—but if they did. Would you admit the truth? Debra asked herself. Would you say this was not what I imagined? This was never what I hoped for you?” (Goodman). While Debra contemplates these existential questions that plague her, she is still performing traditional motherly duties of cleaning, cooking, and caretaking. Debra’s constant stress about the dynamics of her life in the future and the well-being of those around her is discussed far more throughout the story than her own, indicating that even her innermost thoughts are most focused on the nurturing of her family over herself.

The title “The Last Grownup” is deeply important to understanding the meaning behind the story. Debra describes feeling as if she is the last “adult” in the space that her family holds, being the only person considering the consequences of decisions any of them make. She explains that even while she and Richard were married, she was the one who planned and prepared everything for her children, driving him “crazy” with her anxiety about making sure everything was in order: “Of course, he never considered helping. When they fought he said, ‘But you insist on doing everything,’” she adds, (Goodman). However, she explains that he also offered no relief from those duties, just as no one else had before, “No one had ever told Debra to stay home and do everything; that came from her. Nothing compelled her but her conscience and her common sense. When the girls were babies, she gave up free time and exercise. When they were older, she gave up her job…. because she did not want to outsource every single aspect of her life. And because those were years you could not get back,” (Goodman). Despite this societal pressure for women to be everything for everyone all of the time, Debra still blames herself because she has nothing to direct her frustrations at. In an article titled “‘Girls Can Kick Ass … Without Being Angry’: Practices of Alignment, Postfeminism, and the Production of Niceness in the Face of Sexism in Work and Family Lives,” Helene Lee studied the experiences of a multitude of middle-class women who initially shared the belief that women can “have it all” (Lee). In this study, women reported that despite this belief, the reality of the working world often set in as many of them had kids, got married, and, often, set their careers aside. While discussing the results of the study in the article, Lee explained this concept perfectly: “In the family narratives, we see that the fact that family matters are by their very nature in the private sphere which makes it even more difficult to see sexism from a structural perspective. Unlike in the work sphere when a colleague or boss is behaving badly, the consequences of naming sexism at home means implicating their husbands, with whom they are intimately connected,” (Lee). Even as Richard and Heather prepare to break the news of their new baby on the way and their engagement, Debra is still the one being the “grownup” by proposing they have a plan to ensure everything goes smoothly. In that conversation, Richard has essentially nothing to say, leaving Heather and Debra to agree on the terms of their new family dynamic. While Debra considers the sleepless nights, tantrums, book reports, and the multitude of other things they are about to face while creating a new family, Heather and Richard seem nonchalant about the road ahead and simply pacify Debra’s worries. Once again, she feels as though she is the only one preparing for this massive change. Before she can even present her family proposal, as suggested by Heather, she receives a call that her daughters already know about the new baby and the upcoming marriage.

Debra’s experience is one that many women can relate to. In a book about discussing issues of gender dynamics in couples’ therapy, C.L. Philpot explains: “Sex-role messages received throughout a lifetime result in the genders having different values, different personality characteristics, different styles of communication, different problem-solving techniques, different perspectives on sexuality, and different expectations for relationships,” (Philpot). While many blame this difference on genetics or inherent gender stereotypes, researchers argue otherwise. Lee pursued this idea in their discussion on this topic: “The emphasis on being ‘kick ass … without being angry’ speaks to what emotion work scholars have argued, which is that women experience more pressure to be ‘nice’ and perform the emotional labor required to uplift others around them while keeping their own feelings tightly under control,” (Lee). In Lee’s discussion of her findings, she explains that out of all of the participants in her study, only one woman was willing to speak directly about the sexism she faced, many women being hesitant to say those words directly (Lee). Due to Debra’s great desire to healthily co-parent with Richard, she often pushes aside her frustrations with Richard’s actions and behavior. Even while negotiating terms for his new family, Richard says nothing. Despite pointing out Richard’s hypocrisy, Debra still attempts to make excuses for him because of his gender, “As for Richard, he said nothing. He would do what Heather wanted. He, who had insisted he could not handle a third child. This was different. Debra understood that. This wasn’t a third child born into their old family with their old wars. He and Heather were a new beginning. This was the way of things, that women had their babies and they stopped, while men lived like starfish, constantly regenerating,” (Goodman). Because Debra struggles to direct the blame for the dysfunction she feels towards Richard and Heather, she blames herself. Debra expresses the fear of ruining things for everyone else, often worrying about being the “evil fairy” in the story of Richard and Heather’s perfect life, so she keeps her thoughts and feelings close to her chest. This also causes additional tension between Debra and Heather, possibly due to Debra’s envy of her and insecurities about being imperfect. Debra often resents Heather for her perceived ability to “have it all”. While she feels her deep frustration towards the inequity of her situation through Richard’s lack of consideration, especially after the divorce, Debra feels anger towards Heather for being the “perfect” housewife she felt like she couldn’t be, even if that’s not the reality. This lack of care and consideration from men in personal relationships forces women into impossible situations like Debra’s, where she feels like she can’t win.

The gender dynamics in “The Last Grownup” serve as a microcosm for many middle-class, working mothers with immensely common issues that arise as a family is separating and a new reality is shaped. Because of the complexities of family relations and the changing roles women play in those relationships, family studies have begun to shift to reflect those changes. “It’s All About Power: Integrating Feminist Family Studies and Family Communication,” for the Journal of Family Communication discusses the changes occurring over time in the field and provides suggestions for methods of study that hold a more Feminist approach. In this article, they explain the importance of intersectionality as a major portion of understanding families and their struggles, they explain: “Feminist family studies begins but does not end with gender. Gender is a primary way in which families are structured and power is distributed in families, but the power structure is complicated by intersections with race, ethnicity, class, sexual orientation, gender identity, age, and ability,” (Few-Demo et al.) What has become more clear as research into family dynamics has been pursued is the importance of power within families, something that many women hold a complicated relationship with. Throughout “The Last Grownup”, the reader follows along with Debra as she grapples with the expectations that she feels and the self-growth she seeks, battling with what she believes everyone around her wants from her. An article titled “The Post-Feminist Era: Still Striving for Equality in Relationships,” by Kimberly A. Rodham Aronson and Ester Schaler Buchholz goes into detail what these pressures feel like, their impact, and why they occur. On this issue of self-actualization, they argue, “Neither men nor women can work at self-development if they live their lives in accordance with rigid gender-role socialization. A woman cannot become individuated if she suppresses the need for autonomous striving,” (Aronson and Buchholz). An indicator that this is what Debra is experiencing is her inner dialogue regularly cutting away as soon as she considers personal aspirations, such as the example mentioned above where Debra thinks about being an advocate for marginalized groups and can’t stop herself from thinking about Richard’s domestic future. While it appears that Debra is still in the process of feeling separated from Richard and grieving her past, she seems as though she is nearing “autonomous striving”—hence the tension and turmoil she feels throughout all the change that occurs in the story.

Allegra Goodman’s “The Last Grownup” manages to explain an extremely complicated web of emotions, power, familial relations, womanhood, and much more in a comparatively small amount of words. Debra’s experience of conflicting feelings and frustrations with her ex-husband highlight the ongoing struggles of women who take on the emotional labor of their households. This conflict regularly leads to women blaming themselves or feeling resentment towards those around them, seeking an outlet for the oppression they face. Debra’s story allows readers to dive head first into the depths of living as a woman who has to “make it work” for everyone else in a world that expects her to “have it all”, pushing her desires and anger aside, feeling as though she is the last grownup in her life who is willing to do so for her family.

Works Cited

Aronson, Kimberly M. Rodham, and Buchholz, Ester Schaler. “The Post-Feminist Era: Still Striving for Equality in Relationships.” American Journal of Family Therapy, vol. 29, no. 2, Mar. 2001, pp. 109–24. EBSCOhost, https://doi org.cwi.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/01926180152026106

Few-Demo, April L., et al. “It’s All About Power: Integrating Feminist Family Studies and Family Communication.” Journal of Family Communication, vol. 14, no. 2, Apr. 2014, pp. 85–94. EBSCOhost, https://doi-org.cwi.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/15267431.2013.864295.

Goodman, Allegra. The Last Grownup. The New Yorker, October 25, 2021, https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/02/27/the-last-grownup.

Lee, Helene K. “‘Girls Can Kick Ass … Without Being Angry’: Practices of Alignment, Postfeminism, and the Production of Niceness in the Face of Sexism in Work and Family Lives1.” Sociological Forum, vol. 38, no. 2, June 2023, pp. 443–59. EBSCOhost, https://doi-org.cwi.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/socf.12888.

Philpot, Carol L., et al. “Gender Inquiry.” Bridging Separate Gender Worlds: Why Men and Women Clash and How Therapists Can Bring Them Together., 1997, pp. 217–252, https://doi.org/10.1037/10263-008.